Some Good News About Marriage

Posted on: November 22, 2016 by: Seth evans

Have you ever heard, “Studies show that just like the overall population, half of all marriages in the church end in divorce”?

If you have heard and believed that “statistic” then you have bought into a myth.

Shaunti Feldhaun (a master of statistics and studies of statistics) beautifully debunks the myth – as well as many other depressing marriage myths – in The Good News About Marriage.

Ready for some mythbusting? Here’s the truth that has been lost about marriage and the church from her study of marriage studies:

In the infamous 2001 Barna study, it was stated that “professing Christians have the same divorce rate as non-Christians – roughly 33 to 34 percent”; not 50 percent as is so often stated in the myth (p 66).
In a 2008 Barna study that looked at both profession of Christian faith and church attendance in the “last seven days, the divorce rate dropped 27 percent compared to those who hadn’t” (p 70).
The massive National Survey of Families and Households study “found that regular [church] attendance (several times a month) had a major impact on reducing divorce rates…[with] an average drop of roughly 50 percent” (p 72).
The aforementioned NSFH study did further analysis and “discovered that even after controlling for many other factors, such as income, age, gender, race, ethnicity, education, and geographic region, the matter of church attendance trumped them all.” It found that “church attendance alone dropped the divorce rate 35 percent” by those who attended church several times a month (p 72).

For more good news about marriage or to add some more health to your relationship, contact CornerStone Family Services at 614-459-3003 to talk with a coach or counselor.

The Behavior that is the Top Predictor of Divorce

Posted on: November 16, 2016 by: Seth evans

This Behavior Is The #1 Predictor Of Divorce, And You’re Guilty Of It

By Brittany Wong

Ever catch yourself rolling your eyes at your partner or getting a little too sarcastic during a conversation? Those seemingly small behaviors are not that innocent after all.

According to renowned researcher John Gottman, contemptuous behavior like eye-rolling, sarcasm and name-calling is the number one predictor of divorce.

For 40 years, the University of Washington psychology professor and his team at the Gottman Institute have studied couples’ interactions to determine the key predictors of divorce – or as Gottman calls them, “the four horsemen of the apocalypse.”

Contempt is the number one sign, followed by criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling (emotionally withdrawing from your partner.)

Ultimately, there is no denying that these behaviors can be a red flag even prior to getting married. With this in mind, if you are in the process of planning a wedding, and if you have noticed any behaviors in your partner that could lead to the deterioration of your relationship, it might be beneficial to put a prenuptial agreement into place. This is something you can find a lawyer near you to help out with, to ensure it is done properly. Divorces can be confusing, and although no one likes to think too much about the possibility of splitting from their partner, a prenup can make the divorce process a little easier. You can learn more about prenuptial agreements by contacting a team of Los Angeles prenup attorneys or a team of family law experts in your area.

So how do you curb contempt in your own marriage and stave off divorce? Below, experts share seven things you can do to keep contempt in check.

1. Realize that delivery is everything.

“Remember, it’s not what you say, but how you say it that makes all the difference. Contempt often comes in the form of name-calling, snickering, sarcasm, eye-rolling and long heavy sighs. Like a poison, it can erode the trust and safety in your relationship and bring your marriage to a slow death. Your goal is to be heard. You need to present your message in a way that makes this happen without doing damage to the relationship.” – Christine Wilke, a marriage therapist based in Easton, Pennsylvania

2. Ban the word “whatever” from your vocabulary.

“When you say ‘whatever’ to your partner, you’re basically saying you’re not going to listen to them. This sends them a message that whatever they’re talking about is unimportant and has no merit to you. This is the last thing you want your spouse to hear. Sending messages (even indirectly through contempt) that they’re not important will end a relationship pretty quickly.” – Aaron Anderson, a Denver, Colorado-based marriage and family therapist

3. Stay clear of sarcasm and mean-spirited jokes.

“Avoid sarcasm and comments like, ‘I’ll bet you do!’ or ‘Oh, that was super funny” in a rude tone of voice. While you’re at it, don’t make jokes at the expense of your partner or make universal comments about his or her gender (‘You would say that – you’re a guy’).” – LeMel Firestone-Palerm, a marriage and family therapist

4. Don’t live in the past.

“Most couples start showing contempt because they have let a lot of little things build up. To avoid contempt all together, you need to stay current in your communications along the way. If you’re unhappy about something, say it directly. Also, acknowledge the valid complaints your partner has about you – you’ll probably be less self-righteous the next time you fight.” –– Judith and Bob Wright,authors of The Heart of the Fight: A Couple’s Guide to Fifteen Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Closer

5. Watch your body language.

“If you find yourself rolling your eyes or smirking, it is a signal that your relationship could be headed for trouble. Try taking a break from each other if things get heated, or try focusing on positive aspects that you like about your partner.” – Chelli Pumphrey, a counselor based in Denver, Colorado

6. Don’t ever tell your spouse, “you’re overreacting.”

“When you say you’re SO is overreacting, what you’re really saying is that their feelings are unimportant to you. Instead of telling your partner that they’re overreacting, listen to their point of view. Try to understand where they’re coming from and why they feel that way. They have those feelings for a reason.” – Aaron Anderson

7. If you find yourself being contemptuous, stop and take a deep breath.

“Make it your goal to become aware of what contempt is. Then find out specifically what it looks like in your marriage. When you feel the urge to go there, take a deep breath, and say ‘stop’ quietly to yourself. Find another way to make your point. Contempt is a bad habit like smoking or nail biting. With work, you can break it.” – Bonnie Ray Kennan, a psychotherapist based in Torrance, California

If you would like help in your marriage or relationship, please contact CornerStone Family Services at 614-459-3003 to talk with a counselor or coach.

11 Marriage Truths from Divorce Attorneys

Posted on: February 29, 2016 by: Seth evans

11 Marriage Truths from Divorce Attorneys

By Brittany Wong

The best source for marriage advice? Divorce attorneys. They can help you with divorce proceedings. Before you protest, just think about it: Every day at work they see the types of marital problems that lead otherwise happy couples to split up. There are occasions where marriages have broken down to a point way beyond repair. This is why the assistance of Peters And May would be helpful for anyone who has realized that divorce is the best outcome for all involved. It’s not a pleasant process but finding divorce attorneys near me could help you and your spouse move on with your individual lives apart and alleviate some of the stress surrounding the legal aspect of the divorce.

With that in mind, we recently asked 11 family law attorneys to volunteer their best love and relationship advice. See what they had to say below.

1. A sustainable marriage is not about love, it’s about tolerance.

“Can you tolerate all your partner’s quirks? Even the ones that you don’t like, are they tolerable? Don’t marry your partner thinking that any of his or her quirks are going to change, improve or wane. As we get older, your partner’s quirks will only magnify. So if you can’t tolerate it now, you for sure are not going to be able to tolerate it in the future. Tolerance may not be romantic, but it is the key to a long lasting marriage.” — Melissa B. Buchman, an attorney in Beverly Hills, California

2. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.

“Unfortunately, many couples I see going through a divorce ascribe bad — or sometimes terrible — motives to everything their spouses do. What is the harm in assuming or presuming the best? Even if you’re wrong, it hurts no one. And it may be the start of a better relationship.” — Randall M. Kessler, an attorney based in Atlanta, Georgia

3. Don’t be afraid to feed your spouse’s ego now and then.

“Silly as it may sound, your spouse wants to feel strong, sexy and attractive. I have seen spouses cheat because someone else showed them attention and made them feel good.” — Christian Denmon, an attorney in Florida

4. Put your spouse before your kids.

“This may not be the most popular piece of advice, especially for parents, but after watching countless people get divorced because they allowed themselves to slowly drift apart over the years, I honestly believe it’s true. We are all busy these days. It’s far too easy to put your job, your house, your activities and your kids before your spouse. Don’t do it! If your spouse needs help starting something new like looking at 75 business ideas then help the with it rather than putting the kids first and being uninterested and While many people believe that their kids have to come first, if they don’t put their spouse first and their marriage eventually sours, it’s not going to be doing the kids any favors. If you value your marriage, choose to put it first.” —Karen Covy, an attorney and divorce coach based in Chicago, Illinois

5. Don’t wait until it’s too late to work on your marriage.

“Work on your marriage while it’s still a good marriage, don’t wait until there’s a problem. ‘Work’ does not have to mean counseling, it can simply be having a set date night once a month.” — Carla Schiff Donnelly, an attorney based in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

6. When you need to discuss something important, timing iseverything.

“When making a request, decision, criticism or apology, it’s crucial to do it when and where your spouse is at their best: after working out, perhaps, or on Friday night, or after a glass of wine or early in the morning before the kids are up. Ask yourself: Is this really the most constructive setting for my partner to hear what I need to bring up? I marvel at stories from clients about how they tried accomplishing something regardless of their spouse’s readiness to receive it and how shocked and dismayed they were when they got rebuffed or ignored. Bringing stuff up on a Sunday night, for instance, when you know he or she gets the back-to-work blues — or right after work, when you’re both exhausted? Bad idea.” — James Sexton, an attorney based in New York City

7. Know that you can’t change your partner.

“My piece of advice mirrors a quote from Maya Angelou: ‘When people show you who they are, believe them.’ In other words, many of us have this deep-seated desire to change our partners, especially women. This can manifest itself in actions like trying to get them to wear neutral colors instead of bold plaid shirts or attempting to change them from boring in bed to hot in the sheets. The bottom line is, we are who we are and either we accept it or go back on Match.com.” — Lisa Helfend Meyer, an attorney in Los Angeles, California

8. Love is about the little things.

“Marriage is work but worth the effort. Go on dates, speak one another’s love language and cherish the little things. Remember that love looks and feels very different as your relationship changes and evolves.” — Natalie Gregg, an attorney in Allen, Texas

9. Communication really is the cornerstone of every solid relationship.

“When people come to my office wanting a divorce, the stated reasons often have to do with money, sex or ‘growing apart.’ The truth is that in almost every case these complaints are the symptoms that have led them to my office, not the cause. The cause is a lack of regular communication. If couples would make a point of setting aside time to talk about what is going on with each of them, to communicate their real feelings, I think that far fewer of them would end up in a divorce lawyer’s office.” — Fred Silberberg, an attorney based in Beverly Hills, California

10. Be an active listener.

“Listen to each other when you fight. I mean, really listen. Try to understand your partner’s point of view and even if you don’t agree. Acknowledge how they feel, validate their opinion and show them that you care.” — Jason Levoy, an attorney and divorce coach in New York City

11. Marriage doesn’t get easier the second or third time around.

“When a client says, ‘I am so tired of him or her and their sloppiness, overspending, drinking, their kids or their stinginess,’ I tell them, ‘don’t think that it gets any easier with the next person.’ Marriage is hard work and if you can’t do the work, don’t get married. The second (or third) time is not any easier than the first, in fact, it’s usually harder.” — Georgialee Lang, an attorney based in Vancouver, Canada

The Myth of the Church Divorce Rate

Posted on: May 26, 2015 by: Seth evans

The Myth of the Church Divorce Rate

By Seth Evans

Have you heard the oft quoted Barna study that reportedly says, “Just like the overall population, half of all marriages in the church end in divorce”?

The Myth of the Church Marriage Divorce Rate If you have heard and believed that “stat”, then like most of us you have bought into a myth.

Shaunti Feldhaun (a master of studying statistics and studies of statistics) beautifully debunks the myth – as well as many other depressing marriage myths – in her easy to read and thoroughly researched book (with lots of notes on the stats, endnotes directing you to the original studies, and statistical explanations): The Good News About Marriage: Debunking Discouraging Myths About Marriage and Divorce.

Ready for some mythbusting? Here’s the truth that has been lost about marriage and the church (quotes are from The Good News About Marriage):

In the infamous 2001 Barna study, it was stated that “professing Christians have the same divorce rate as non-Christians – roughly 33 to 34 percent”; not 50 percent as is so often stated in the myth (p 66).
“Barna specifically excluded church attendance from the analysis” (p 67), focusing on beliefs rather than practices. Though attending church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than being in a garage makes you a car; it is equally true that saying you are a Christian doesn’t necessarily mean that you have actually accepted Jesus Christ as your unique Savior through faith (there are many who say they are “Christian” due to their family or origin, political beliefs, church attendance, etc).
The truth is that “numerous well-known sociologists, demographers, psychologists, and other researchers have found that when someone is active in their faith, it lowers their chance of divorce – usually significantly” (p 69).

I won’t go into the details of these studies (for that you will need to buy the book which expounds on these studies and many more), but I will give you some highlights:

In a 2008 Barna study that looked at both profession of Christian faithand church attendance in the “last seven days, the divorce rate dropped 27 percent compared to those who hadn’t…[and among] Catholics and evangelicals, the numbers were even more positive” (p 70).
The massive National Survey of Families and Households study “found that regular [church] attendance (several times a month) had a major impact on reducing divorce rates…[with] an average drop of roughly 50 percent” (p 72).
The aforementioned NSFH study did further analysis and “discovered that even after controlling for many other factors, such as income, age, gender, race, ethnicity, education, and geographic region, the matter of church attendance trumped them all.” It found that “church attendance alone dropped the divorce rate 35 percent” by those who attended church several times a month (p 72).
The Religious Influences on the Risk of Marital Dissolution study showed that “couples who go to church or other religious services together on a regular basis have the lowest divorce rate of any group studied, regardless of other factors” (p 74).

Busted These studies, and many more presented in the book, thoroughly bust the myth that “the rate of divorce in the church is 50 percent, just like the rest of the world.” Although having said that, general divorce rates are still rather high in contrast to past years. Many people will still be trying to find a divorce lawyer, hire a QDRO lawyer, go through some pretty dark times, and so on. As much as church and faith can help keep marriages afloat, it sadly cannot save it in all cases.

The Good News About Marriage chapter on faith and marriage goes onto describe the benefits of not only going to church together on a regular basis but also describes the major benefits of a couple praying together and mutually aiming to put Christ at the center of their lives and their marriage. But for a look at those stats, you will have to buy the book yourself.

In case the above good news isn’t enough to help encourage a couple to start attending church regularly and incorporating healthy biblical practices in their daily home life, here is a little something from Les & Leslie Parrott’s Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before – And After – You Marry:

As strange as it may sound, there is a strong link in marriage between prayer and sex. For one thing, frequency of prayer is a more powerful predictor of marital satisfaction than frequency of sexual intimacy. But get this: Married couples who pray together are 90 percent more likely to report higher satisfaction with their sex life than couples who do not pray together” (pp 150-151).

Removing “Divorce” From Your Vocabulary

Posted on: March 31, 2015 by: Seth evans

While it would be inappropriate to say that “divorce” should never be on the table (even the Bible which speaks strongly about maintaining marriage speaks of situations where divorce is acceptable), it is unwise to have the word “divorce” as a regular part of your marriage vocabulary, and although there are things that can help you through a divorce, such as this divorce insurance, you may find it difficult and frustrating.

When in conflict or frustrated, throwing around the word divorce is an unhealthy form of emotional blackmail. The word also states that you are only willing to being in the marriage during the “for better” parts and are unwilling to work on the marriage during the “for worse” parts of the marriage. If that is the case and you live in new york, for example, then you probably are better off seeking advice from a lawyer in your local area and filing for divorce. However, it’s still not a word you should be throwing around lightly.

Even joking about divorce as an option while the marriage is healthy sends the signal of a lack of commitment to one’s spouse and working through life’s struggles together. However, if you find yourself going down that road, you may want to seek support from a law firm similar to Russel Family Law for legal advice.

Marriage365 says it this way one of their instagram posts:

If you threaten divorce at any time, it shows your spouse that you have given up on your relationship. Divorce is the end game. If a divorce ends up going through, it might be a good idea to converse with a divorce lawyer similar to what you can find at JimenezLegal.com for some perspective on how to move forward with the legal proceedings. There’s no where to go after divorce has been brought up. We cannot stress enough that you should remove the word divorce from your vocabulary. Think about it, when you said your vows on your wedding day, were you really thinking in the back of your mind that one day you would be considering divorce? Heck no! The word divorce carries huge ramifications! #marriage365 #ichooselove

If you are wrestling within your marriage or considering divorce, please contact CornerStone Family Services to see about healing and enriching your marriage. You can set up an appointment with a coach or counselor by calling 614-459-3003.

The Good News About Marriage

Posted on: October 10, 2014 by: Seth evans

The Good News About Marriage: Shaunti Feldhahn Interview

By Joy Eggerichs & Shaunti Feldhahn

THE 50% DIVORCE STATISTIC IS FALSE, FOLKS!!!

I don’t usually demand things, but I’m going to today. You must read Shaunti’s book or watch this interview I did with her. I’m literally telling everyone about her findings because it’s EXACTLY what my generation needs to hear.

An entire session of The Illumination Project is based off the question, “Should we have hope for marriage?” It’s difficult to figure out the answer today when we’re only hearing the depressing stats about divorce and happiness in marriage. We’re left wondering if we should put our heart out on the line and go out on that date with the person we are on the fence about anyways, orrrr stay in our marriage when it gets a bit bumpy.

There’s good news–many of the stats that have been floating around for years are literally crap. (Sorry, mom.) This little conspiracy theorist (that is, me, not Shaunti) is picturing some crazy divorce lawyer who decided years ago to leak “bad news” so people would assume it was hopeless, give up and call him.

Ok, so maybe I’ve gone a little nuts, but Shaunti hasn’t. Listen in to her wisdom and expertise! And meet her cat, because he’s pretty pumped about this, too.

THE SKIP-AHEAD NOTES (but you shouldn’t…):

0:00 – Who is on the cover of The Good News About Marriage?

2:56 – Debunking the myth that 50% of marriages end in divorce

5:08 – The common denominator that decides whether a marriage makes it. (Hope and the culture-wide feeling of futility)

7:26 – Understanding divorce rate statistics

8:53 – Who is at a higher risk for divorce?

9:20 – The real divorce rate.

11:49 – Asking a stranger, “What percentage of marriages do you think are happy?”

14:40 – Will divorce make you happier?

17:54 – One thing women can assume in marriage – and it’s not necessarily good.

19:07 – Intoducing Shaunti’s domestic cat and Joy’s feral cats

20:20 – Answers to the question, “Are you generally happy about your marriage?”

22:28 – Married people, chill out!

23:49 – Dating people, chill out!

25:03 – How many care deeply about their spouse? 99.375%

27:22 – The game changer that Shaunti and Emerson both agree on + a story

29:55 – 180 pages can save a marriage

31:05 – When Joy read The Good News About Marriage

32:14 – Good news on divorce rates of people of faith

36:20 – Living in community and living relationships in the light

37:50 – Strengthsfinder 2.0

39:43 – Joy’s conspiracy theorist heart and debunking stats from the U.S. Census Bureau

43:57 – Sometimes it’s death, not divorce

45:31 – Sliding vs. deciding and living together before marriage

49:15 – Joy’s take on, “If you wouldn’t buy a used car without driving it, why would you not live together before marriage?”

49:57 – The perfect age for marriage

53:23 – Fear of marriage and spiritual talk

54:39 – Taking a step towards dating

55:48 – All of Shaunti’s books started with a fiction novel

_______

The divorce rate has been declining overall for years; it has declined 32% since its peak around 1980.

-Shaunti Feldhahn,

The Good News About Marriage

_______

Hey! Shaunti has written a lot of books and studies. We’ve compiled alllllll of her books in a list for you.

_______

Shaunti received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher and best-selling author. Today, she applies her analytical skills to investigating eye-opening, life-changing truths about relationships, both at home and in the workplace. Her groundbreaking research-based books, such as For Women Only, have sold more than 2 million copies in 23 languages and are widely read in homes, counseling centers and corporations worldwide.