Want some information on suicide and what to do if someone you know is struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide?
Here is a link to a pdf from Mental Health America Franklin County: http://mhafc.org/main/uploads/2013/09/suicide-general-info.pdf
Please call CornerStone Family Services at 614-459-3003 to talk with a counselor if you would like help in your struggle with depression.
When You Feel Lonely and Left OutBy Money Saving Mom
“She didn’t pick us, Mom.”
Her voice quivered. The tears ran down her cheeks. And my heart hurt so badly.
We were on our way home from a party that both of the girls had been invited to. As soon as they got in the car, I knew something was wrong.
Their faces bore hurt. Their eyes were brimming with tears just waiting to spill out.
I gently asked what was wrong and slowly the story emerged.
I discovered that a fun game had been played and part of the game involved the birthday girl picking individuals to be on her team playing against the other girls at the party.
The only problem was, neither of my girls got picked. And, over the course of playing the game, everyone else did get picked.
They felt intentionally left out and slighted. Like they were the new girls in town and they weren’t good enough. And it stung both of them deeply.
Honestly, as a mom, I wanted to rush in and scoop them up and protect them. I wanted to express anger and frustration and say things like, “That was so rude and mean… You can never play with those girls ever again!!”
I hurt for them. But I knew deep down in my heart that trying coddle and bubble wrap my kids is doing them a disservice. I cannot shield them from hard things forever.
Because there’s a world out there that will crush you in two if you don’t develop backbone, stand strong, know the truth that you’re enough, and lovingly forgive and believe the best about people.
So part of growing up is learning to love others even when they do unloving things to you. It’s forgiving when you are slighted or skipped over — whether intentional or accidental. It’s not harboring bitterness and anger toward people who don’t treat us fairly.
We talked about this in the car that day. And I was taken back to many times in my life when I’ve felt lonely and left out, too…
When I was at that dinner with a bunch of Christian speakers and writers and I got the cold shoulder over and over again when people discovered my blog wasn’t expressly “Christian”.
When I was talking to the women at an event who seemed so excited to see me until a Very Important Person walked past and, all of a sudden, she couldn’t care less about me and only wanted to talk to Mrs. Very Important.
When that person I thought was my very good friend wrote a post with all of her very good friends listed and I didn’t make the cut.
When I was at that dinner party where everyone else knew everyone else… and no one seemed to notice that I didn’t know anyone.
When that blogger I thought I had really connected with at that conference went and talked behind my back about how she didn’t like me.
When someone I had invested in for years and years and thought was a close friend didn’t even acknowledge or reach out to me when I went through a very hard season.
…and the list could go on and on.
In each situation, I have a choice: I can be a victim or a victor. I can choose to be hurt, upset, angry, and bitter. I can feel sorry for myself. I can feel not good enough. I can live in fear of rejection.
Or, I can choose to believe the best. To trust that there was probably an oversight. To realize that the person probably didn’t intentionally mean to hurt me. Or, I can realize that it was a situation I need to walk away from or pull back from so that I can make room for deeper relationships with other people.
I also told the girls that the best remedy for times when you feel lonely and left out is to do something for someone else. Reach out to someone else. Be interested in other people’s lives. Look for ways to serve. Find opportunities to show love.
When you’re in a situation where you start to feel left out, look for someone else who might be hanging back by themselves, too. Strike up a conversation with them. Be the first to reach out.
When you’re tempted to feel hurt and upset that you got passed over for an opportunity, instead of taking it personally, look for the blessings in the situation and take the focus off yourself.
Just recently, we were having dinner with friends from out of town. At the end of the meal, they told us that they wanted to tell us thank you for what we did for them 5 years ago.
Honestly, I barely remembered what we had done. It was a gift we had given them during a hard time in their life. And, 5 years later, they traveled from out of town and took us out to dinner at this nice restaurant because they wanted to personally express just how much it meant to them.
As they shared with us what they were going through at the time and just how deeply our gift had touched them and inspired them over the years to give to others, I was taken aback. I had no idea that a simple gift would make such an impact.
But more than that, I realized why we had given them the gift. You see, the day I’d sent them the email saying we wanted to gift this thing to them, I was at one of the lowest times of my life. I’d just experienced a very hurtful and messy relationship breakup with a friend whom I’d thought was one of my closest friends.
It was ugly and hurtful and painful… there were misunderstandings, missteps, and miscommunications on both sides, and I was left feeling shredded and gutted and bleeding.
I wanted to run away from the pain. But I couldn’t. I woke up each day for months, with hurt and sorrow and sadness and a sick feeling in my stomach.
That day that I’d reached out to these out-of-town friends I’d hit one of my lowest spots. And I distinctly remember telling Jesse, “I have to do something for someone else! I just have to. Because I can’t sit here and wallow in this pain any longer.”
So he and I talked about what we could do and we hatched a plan to bless our friends. Taking the focus off of myself was one of the most healing things I could do.
It gave me perspective. It gave me a flicker of excitement again. And it helped me to stop focusing on how hurt I felt.
Little did we dream that our gift would deeply touch our friends in such a way that it would inspire them to pass on the blessing over and over again.
Here’s the thing: many times in my life, I haven’t chosen to be a victor, to reach past the pain and hurt and look for ways to bless others. I’ve sat and sulked. I’ve let the pain overtake me. I’ve held numerous pity-parties.
And I’ve missed out on many blessings as a result. Which is why I couldn’t let my girls just sit in the car and feel hurt and upset that they didn’t get picked at the party.
We acknowledged that it hurt. We talked about situations where they could inadvertently do the same thing to others and how they need to always be on the lookout for this. And then we talked about ways they could reach out to others who might also feel lonely and left out.
Just two weeks later, we were in the car again. And this time, Kathrynne said, “Mom, you know my friend so-and-so? I’ve noticed that they’ve seemed sad and out-of-place in situations recently. Could we invite them over to play? Because I really want them to be a better friend to them.”
There couldn’t have been a bigger beaming smile on my face if I had tried. Yes! This is what it’s all about.
The more you focus on others, the less time you’ll have to feel lonely and left out.
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If you are struggling with feelings of being lonely and left out, please contact CornerStone Family Services at 614-459-3003 to talk with a counselor or coach.
By Emerson Eggerichs, PhD
In this week’s episode, Emerson and Jonathan discuss the topic of forgiveness. All of us do wrong. Who among us is perfect? When we fail to meet God’s standard, some of us not only feel badly, but we hate ourselves, too. Emerson asks listeners to struggle with the wonders of being forgiven, instead of struggling to forgive oneself.
By Garrett Kell
Tim and Jess had only been married for eight months, but the honeymoon was most certainly over. The sweet conversations that once marked their relationship had been replaced with constant bickering. Their laughter had dulled, and their distance had grown. Their sexual intimacy had almost ceased. What went wrong? How had Satan slipped into this young marriage? As I unpacked some of the couple’s history, I discovered he hadn’t sabotaged them on their honeymoon, nor in the early months of figuring out married life. The Devil had begun his work before they’d even made it to the altar. Though Tim and Jess are Christians, their dating and engagement were marked with sexual impurity, something like these women from sites like https://www.maturepornvideos.xxx/ have perhaps had their whole life.
God’s ways are good, but Satan wants us to believe they aren’t. This has been his plan from the first call to compromise in the garden (Gen. 3:1-6). His end goal is for us to develop a consistent pattern of resisting the Spirit and following our sinful desires once we get into marriage. He wants us to learn to resist service and to pursue selfishness. If we learn to do what we want when we want before marriage, we’ll carry that pattern into the days and years that follow. This, however, is deadly since service and sacrifice are essential to a healthy, Christ-honoring marriage. Love in marriage is shown by a thousand daily decisions to do what you don’t want—whether doing the dishes or changing a diaper or watching a movie instead of a basketball game. If your relationship before marriage is characterized by giving into urges of immediate desire, you’ll most certainly struggle when you encounter the nitty-gritty of married life.
Satan wants us to think we won’t take our sin to the next level. He wants us to think we’re stronger than we really are. He wants us to think we’ll never go that far. This is a powerful trick since it simultaneously plays on both our pride and also our well-intended desire to honor God. You’re weaker than you think. You can go where you think you won’t. Sin is like an undercurrent in the ocean—if you play in it, you’ll be overpowered and swept away into certain destruction. One of the ways Satan works this angle is by tempting you to think purity is a not-to-be-crossed line rather than a posture of the heart. He wants you to think purity before God is not kissing or not taking off clothes or not having oral sex or not “going all the way.” He wants you to think that if you don’t cross a certain line, you’re staying pure. The problem with this kind of thinking, however, is that Jesus says if we just lust in our heart we’ve sinned and stand condemned before God (Matt. 5:27-30). Purity is much more about the posture of our hearts than the position of our bodies, so to some believers using chastity products from sites such as lockthecock.com to remain pure, may not actually be as pure as they think if they allow their hearts and minds explore sinful ideas. The age-old “How far is too far?” question may reveal a desire to get as close to sin as possible instead of a desire to flee as our Lord calls us to (1 Cor. 6:18).
When we compromise sexually, we’re showing the other person we’re willing to use and abuse them to get what makes us happy. Every time we push the boundaries with our fiancée or lead her into sin we are communicating, though we don’t mean to, “You can’t trust me because I’m willing to use and disregard you to get what I want.” This is certainly one of Satan’s deadliest strategies, and the one I suspect hurt Tim and Jess the most. They didn’t trust each other. They never really did. So much of their dating relationship was engulfed in the cycle of sin, shame, and start-over that they never developed a mature, battle-tested trust for each other. It’s important to point out, however, that when we resist sexual sin, God blesses a relationship with the exact opposite effect. Every time we say “no” to sexual sin and turn to prayer, telling one another we value them and their walk with the Lord too much to go one step further, he uses that faithfulness to strengthen trust. My wife regularly tells dating couples that one of the reasons she trusts me is because I literally ran from compromising situations before we were married. We weren’t perfect in our courtship, but the Lord used that season to build trust in one another.
There’s a world of difference between premarital sex and sex within marriage. One reason is that the forbidden fruit of lust portrays sex before marriage as something it isn’t always in marriage. Normally, premarital sexual activity is like gas on fire. Passion is high, feelings are intense, and the drive to go further is fueled by the knowledge you shouldn’t (Rom. 7:8). Sex in marriage is different. There’s still passion, and there’s still intense feelings and emotions—but sex in marriage is based primarily on the hot coals of trust, devotion, and sacrifice (1 Cor. 7:1-5). Couples who built their sexual expectations on passion provided by the forbidden fruit are often disappointed and confused when sex is different in marriage. My wife and I laughed at this idea when our premarital counselor shared it with us. We were sure we’d be exception to the rule. But almost six years and three kids later, he was right. Couples like us can have a strong sex life, but it’s fueled by deeper characteristics than fleeting passion. Satan wants couples to get used to running on the caffeine and sugar of lust rather than mature love of service and sacrifice.
1. Wait in faith. The Christian posture is always one of waiting. We wait for Christ’s return. We wait for an eternity with him. And unmarried believers wait for the blessings of marriage. Say “no” to sin’s promises by faith in God’s. Renew your mind with God’s Word and keep waiting in faith.
2. Guys, you gotta lead. While both persons in the relationship are responsible before God, the man must set the pace for purity. Too often ladies are forced to draw the lines and to say “no.” That’s cowardly and wrong. It’s the man’s responsibility to care for his future wife by leading her toward Jesus and away from sin, darkness, and the pain of evil. If he sets the wrong pattern here, he’ll be digging out for years afterward—and may never regain the ground he loses apart from God’s grace.
3. Involve others every step of the way. Don’t let your relationship remain unexamined by other godly Christians. Both of you should have a godly couple or group of faithful friends who hold you accountable. Invite tough questions and give honest answers. God uses transparency to give strength.
4. If you sin, go to the gospel. The apostle John wrote, “My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One” (1 John 2:1-2). If you sin, flee to the cross. Run to the empty tomb. Look to your Advocate, confess your sin deeply, and repent. God loves to bless this kind of posture (Prov. 28:13). Sexual sin doesn’t need to be dagger in the heart of your courting relationship, engagement, or marriage. God is a merciful God who delights in restoring what sin seeks to destroy (Joel 2:25-27). He will not, however, bless ongoing disobedience and presumption on his grace. If you have fallen into sexual sin, today is the day to plead for mercy and turn to Christ in faith. May God give us mercy to pursue purity for his glory and our good.
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If you would like help in saving your marriage before it starts or to help your current relationship, please call CornerStone Family Services at 614-459-3003 to talk with a coach or counselor.
Here’s some punny bird humor for your Funday Friday:
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If you would like to add some humor to your life, please contact CornerStone Family Services at 614-459-3003 to talk with a counselor or coach.
By Meghan Ross
Living alone and feelings of isolation and loneliness were associated with an increased risk for early death in a new study, which was published in Perspectives on Psychological Science.
Social interaction, the researchers posited, may benefit not only individuals’ emotional well-being but also their physical health.
The researchers pointed to previous research that has shown social isolation and loneliness to be associated with poorer health behaviors (e.g., smoking, inactivity, bad sleep habits), worse immune functioning, and higher blood pressure.
In their own research, the study authors examined published and unpublished studies related to mortality and social relationships; they specifically looked for whether the individuals involved in the studies felt lonely or isolated, or they lived alone. The 70 studies that met their criteria encompassed almost 3.5 million individuals.
The researchers found that these 3 factors, whether measured objectively or subjectively, were associated with a higher chance of mortality. The increased likelihood of death was 32% for living alone, 29% for social isolation, and 26% for reported loneliness, after accounting for several covariates, according to the researchers.
Causation could not be proved, but the study authors found that people with these 3 factors were more likely to be deceased at a follow-up, regardless of age, wealth, and length of follow-up.
The researchers posited that there is evidence now that the risk for mortality due to a lack of social relationships may be greater than the risk due to obesity.
They found that while some individuals may prefer to live alone and find that it has its advantages, improving one’s physical health would not be one of those advantages.
“[T]he field now has much stronger evidence that lacking social connections is detrimental to physical health,” the study authors concluded.
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If you are looking to breakthrough loneliness and feelings of isolation, please contact CornerStone Family Services at 614-459-3003 to talk with a counselor or coach.
By Melissa Kruger
There’s a crack in my windshield. My husband and I are on edge with one another. My daughter has a cavity. My dog has an ear infection. The ice-maker stopped working last night.
This morning I opened the fridge to get the milk for my tea. No milk.
I find myself feeling Eeyore-like with a black cloud over my head and a target on my back. My already full plate doesn’t seem able to hold anything else and I’m speeding down the slippery slope of self-pity. At the same time, I’m exasperated with myself for my despondency.
I realize that none of my frustrations are tragedies. The windshield is fixable. I love my husband; we’ll work through our disagreement. The dentist will fill the cavity and the vet has medicine for the dog. Our refrigerator is still under warranty and milk is one grocery store trip away.
My understanding of the relative good news of my bad day pushes me even closer to the brink. Is my faith so weak, that I lack joy because I have no milk in my tea for one day? Is a crack in my windshield enough for me to doubt God’s goodness to me? Why do minor illnesses feel like burdens too heavy when others are diagnosed with life-threatening conditions? The mundane frustrations of my first world struggles provide further evidence of my failures. I am the toughest of clay in the Potter’s hand.
And so the spiral proceeds downwards.
Even in the midst of a good life, it’s a broken life. Schedules are delayed, feelings are hurt, and material goods are in the constant habit of breaking down. Sometimes it’s not the huge trials of life that sink us, but the constant pressure of many small burdens that cause us to stumble.
I want to walk through these mundane moments with grace but it’s a fight against the hardened attitudes in my heart. What can we do when we see ourselves succumbing to grumbling and complaining in the daily grind? There are four truths that I find helpful to consider while asking the Lord to rescue me from my descent.
Name it
If I want to fight against my grumbling and complaining, the first thing I have to do is call a spade a spade. I need to call my wrong attitudes by their appropriate name: sin. I don’t really want to do this at all. I want to sit and stew and pour myself a nice warm cup of self-pity. But, if the Israelites were kept out of the Promised Land for forty years because of a grumbling and complaining spirit, then I have a neon sign sized warning that a discontented heart does not please the Lord. It’s an act of treason, a claim that I could rule better if given the chance to be sovereign over my life. The first brake on the slope of discontent is to admit to myself the sinfulness of my own heart and attitudes.
Confess it
Once I’ve admitted to myself that I have a sin problem, not just a circumstance problem, I confess. Sometimes I drag myself to the throne of grace, hemming and hawing, but I come. I pour it all out. I tell Jesus that I’m frustrated about my circumstances, and that I know my heart is the bigger problem. I tell Him I’m tired and weary of the world and how it never seems to go right. I tell Him I’m ashamed by my own lack of progress and faith in His providence in my life. I beg Him to change me and to make me more like Jesus (which I recognize will involve many more days like this one, heating up the fire so that He can pour off the dross). As I confess, His word reminds me that He knows, He understands, and He taught us, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33)
Accept it
As I confess, I’m also admitting my continual need of grace. I want to be better than a needy beggar always coming back for more. My discouragement over my lack of progress is mixed with my dismay that I still need grace. As I begin to accept that this process of confession and repentance is all part of a daily walk with God, my spirits begin to lift. Of course I still need Jesus! I know that, but now I’m forced to experience my deep thirst for the living waters only He can provide. It’s Him strengthening me that allows me to abound. Not me being strong enough to no longer need Him. I must accept that this will be a life long pursuit: His grace chasing me down, showing me my sin, and rescuing me time and time again.
Receive it
As confession works on my soul, grace works its effect on my heart. Rather than complain about my day, I repent and receive it. I believe that joy is possible, not because circumstances are ideal, but because God is Lord over all of my circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:16 – 18).
The bedrock of our rejoicing isn’t the goodness of our day, but the goodness of our God. He promises in all things (the good, the bad, and the ugly) to be working for our good. He promises to make me holy, and often His best tools are the very ones that chip away at my self-reliance. Oh, the humility that is wrought when I realize that I need Him for so much more than the tragedies of life! I need Him each and every moment; for every thought I think and for every step I take.
These meditations open my heart to receive and rejoice in my day, thanking Him in all things. The spiral downward ceases as he plucks me from the miry bog. My heart rejoices:
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the LORD. – Psalms 40:1-3
By Les and Leslie Parrott PhDs
Do these phrases sound familiar?
“You always interrupt me.”
“You always put __________ before me.”
“You always forget.”
Making absolute accusations to or about your spouse will get you nowhere fast. We have all done it (probably more than once!), but “always” is a word we throw around that must, without a doubt, be eliminated from our relationship vocabulary–especially when it comes to communicating with our spouse.
Words can be both building blocks and bulldozers. You can spend days, months, and years using positive and encouraging words toward your spouse, only to shake your solid foundation with a careless phrase that takes only seconds to utter. Fights seem to bubble and burst quickly, and before you know it, you’re in the land of speaking words you can’t take back.
In today’s post, we’ll talk about why dealing in absolutes in your marriage–both by using “always,” as well as its close cousin, “never”–is hurtful to your spouse and destructive to your marriage.
In a moment of frustration, statements like, “You always _______,” can escape your mouth, negating past positives and impeding forward progress in your marriage.
Absolute accusations are a form of lazy communication–and what’s more, absolutes are usually dishonest. Sometimes we apply absolutes to something our spouse has done or said that rubs us the wrong way. Instead of addressing the situation at hand and clearly expressing our feelings, we might use absolutes as a cop-out.
Using absolutes automatically puts your spouse on the defensive. Instead of constructively reaching a win-win agreement together, when you use “always” or “never,” you’ll find yourself head-to-head with an angry, defensive spouse–who is now more focused on the perceived character assassination of your accusation than the conflict you were originally trying to resolve.
Communicating articulately and truthfully can be challenging, but it pays high dividends in our marriages. It means choosing our words wisely and carefully, even when we are hurt, and even when it may hurt to say them.
“You never help.”
“You always think about yourself.”
“You never consider my feelings.”
“We always do what you want to do.”
Our behaviors rarely exist in absolutes–especially our bad behaviors. But when your husband or wife has not lived up to your expectations, it can be all too easy to accuse them of “always” or “never” doing whatever we’re upset about.
Are you trying to get the results you desire by hurling absolute accusations at them? After all, absolutes can be used as a highly effective form of manipulation. Controlling outcomes by using absolutes against your spouse is a toxic, damaging way to get what you want. You may feel satisfied at first, but what will you do if your marriage ultimately falls apart?
Check your attitude and ask yourself whether your reaction to your spouse is born of an entitled attitude. Are your expectations of him or her unreasonable? What adjustments can you make to your own expectations and mindset that will take the pressure off of both of you?
Letting go of unrealistic expectations will help to slay the entitlement dragon, as well as help you nurture more positive feelings toward your spouse. And if you’re not leveling your spouse with “always” and “never” accusations, they might just feel more inclined to make you happy.
Communicating with absolutes may point to a deep insecurity or inadequacy within yourself. Maybe this is a projection onto your spouse that deep down, you aren’t feeling loved. Maybe you’re keeping score, tallying perceived wins and losses in your own head–and maybe you feel like you’re on the losing side.
When we aren’t in touch with our emotions and the reasons for them, it becomes easier to project them onto others. Pay attention to what you’re feeling, and ask yourself why. Digging deep could help you focus harder on your own areas of weakness.
Your feelings are valid, and, if talked through with your spouse in a healthy way, they could create a more intimate understanding between the two of you. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and honest. Showing vulnerability is an invitation to be loved, while making absolute accusations opens old wounds and creates new ones.
You may feel like it’s impossible to stop dealing in absolutes, but it’s definitely not–and you will see incredible results in your marriage. Becoming more self-aware will help you avoid turning on your spouse. Remember, you’re on the same team. You were never meant to be enemies.
Be intentional with your communication, and stay in tune with your attitude and expectations. Next time you are tempted to throw around absolutes, take a step back or a deep breath and communicate differently. There are better ways to express your feelings that will propel your marriage forward instead of crippling it.
Speak life into your spouse and make the moments you spend together into strong building blocks. Staying intimately connected to one another will help you fight the urge to use absolutes against him or her.
Focus on these positives in the coming weeks and months. Eliminate those absolutes, address each situation as its own, and watch your marriage grow.
If you would like help in your choice to live in what is happening rather than in what you wish had happened, please contact CornerStone Family Services at 614-459-3003 to talk with a coach or counselor.
Here’s a little humor for your Funday Friday:
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If you or someone you care about is looking for some more humor or joy in their lives, please contact CornerStone Family Services at 614-459-3003 to talk with a coach or counselor.